Start Your Life After Divorce

Tip One: Ensure You Use The Oxygen Mask Method First
In an airline takeoff, the flight attendants will provide instruction that in the event of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and that adults should always use the oxygen mask prior to placing one on their children. This is to ensure that the adult stays conscious and able to function. Life after divorce follows the same principles. Martyr syndrome, where you are always putting everyone else above your own legitimate needs will only ruin your confidence and render you unable to care for either yourself or your children.

Tip Two: Gain Social Support
Family and friends are more than critical to help you survive this traumatic time. Divorce is rated amongst many of the most stressful times of a person’s life. Social support is critical in helping an individual transition through a highly unsettling event. Friends can provide unconditional support, and family provide a comfort during emotional upheaval following a divorce. Sometimes friends fall away because they side with the other person during the event, and this can be saddening, and feel like betrayal. Never take it personally, former friends of the marriage are going through their own grief, and find it difficult to adjust. This is the time where developing new friendships is important. Social support forums are an excellent avenue for discovering new friends.

Tip Three: Psychological Counseling
A good therapist can help you deal with the grief associated with a marriage relationship falling apart. Counseling therapies are excellent to help you look at ways of coping functionally, and helping you to explore the feelings associated with the loss of a primary relationship. It can be difficult to open up and trust again another person, especially a significant other, and fear can hold you back from opening up completely to another person. It is important to address these fears with a counselor, and if you do enter into another relationship, counseling for both parties will help transition you into a successful future foundation.

Tip Four: Take Time Out To Recover
Divorce causes significant emotional distress, and can lead to depression if not addressed properly. A lifestyle that is well balanced, and includes adequate recreation to promote enjoyment of life will help negate the negativity that has resulted from a marriage breakdown. Hobbies can be revisited, or new activities explored, and these provide a buffer against any feelings of emotional distress, because the focus is on enjoyment rather than any past memories that can induce a state of distress.

Tip Five: Take Care Of Yourself Physically
Divorce can not only take its toll emotionally but physically. Between dealing with angry ex partners and stressed out children, talking to lawyers and sorting out property settlement and custody, a person can become easily emotionally overwhelmed. To counter this it is incredibly important to relax, to rest, to eat adequate nutrition, to perform daily gentle exercise and to get adequate sleep.

Always Darkest Before the Dawn is a story about rebuilding life after divorce, and how people can gain hope and rebalance and enjoy life once again after the breakdown of a marriage.


How To Find Love After Divorce

Unless you want to join a convent and take a vow of abstinence after your divorce there will come a time when you’re ready to re-enter the wonderful (or terrifying for some) world of dating.

The thing is… divorce is very rarely amicable so you may be carrying some trust issues or even doubts and fears about seeing someone again and starting a new relationship.

Don’t worry too much about this, as it’s perfectly normal, most divorced people to go through the pain barrier and build their confidence up again to enter the dating scene.

One of the main barriers can be trying to rush into a new relationship just to feel loved, but this can actually bring you more problems and confidence issues if you choose the wrong partner in desperation… so my advice is, take it easy.

There is life after divorce but you have to be prepared to go out and get it!

Tip 1 – Meet new people

Think of dating as an opportunity to meet lots of new people and take stock of what you really look for in a serious partner this time around. For example, if your ex-spouse was really untidy, are you seeking someone a bit more organized? Or if they had control issues are you looking for a mate who is more laid back?

Tip 2 – Take your time

Think about this… are you looking for some fun and entertainment or do you seek a more serious relationship? Rushing in too soon can cloud your view of the world… so take it easy and get to know yourself better before you start picking flaws in someone else.

Tip 3 – Build your confidence

You may even feel ashamed or embarrassed about the failure of your marriage… but you know that’s the way life goes, many people are on their third or fourth marriage so no-one really cares as much as you think they do.

Tip 4 – Go with your gut feeling

Don’t forget you have a LOT to offer don’t sell yourself short and don’t take any nonsense, go with your gut and take it slowly. As long as you take the necessary safety precautions then give that new date a chance to prove themselves.

Tip 5 – Take the pressure off

A good piece of advice for the first date is always meet during the day if possible and even for a coffee. This puts less pressure on the two of you having to make conversation for two or three hours over dinner (sometimes it can be two or three hours of painful silence if you don’t have much in common).


Guide To Avoid Conflict With Your Partner

It’s just another day, I hate it, just another day! I get up, do my every morning thing, carry in my right hand, my coffee cup and drag myself to the car and drive to my work.

I don’t tolerate my wife to say too much because she is a “zero” and nothing else than trash can food. The moment she tries to communicate with me, I simply cut her off and finally she get the message not to bother me with all that crap and nonsense!

She is a failure anyway, so why should I listen! Live moves on day after day, after month, after year and nothing is changing. A couple of years and hopefully I’m dead, great, nobody will miss me! Whining, Whining, Whining…

No kidding, that sound like not a good relationship if you ask me, why the approach to the opposite party? A relationship is not to criticize instead help each other, lift each other, make each other feel darn good and important, as well be mindful with our thoughts.

Being on the same page with our partner is the number one requirement in order to live that united life together. We could say: “thinking and caring about each other at all time is a serious responsibility.”

Being negative towards the opposite party can create as much as being positive and will affect both our life experience. Attract the beliefs and desires from each other will create harmony in any relationship.

So, is this just another moody day and who is the moody person here, both parties might ask themselves that question. Does life exist of working, criticizing, offending, down playing, I’m much better than you, yelping? NO! With capital letters.

Our success and failures are not caused by “the world out there” but by the love, care we carry inside our heart. This is not a brain surgery neither high technology and we don’t need to spend years of psychoanalysis to find the way to respect.

A negative mindset drains your energy and create a self-perpetuating cycle of disappointments, worry, fear to fail and fear to make a mistake. The other site of the coin is that positive thinking creates hope and self believe. With a little bit of mental pushing power we should be able to control our mindset.

Let’s sit down here for a short moment and ask our self about the person who is working and working and does not believe in quality of life, so that person spend a big time of the day in a stress full environment, get ruled by the clock, the upper level authorities, appointments, customers, fighting for its own little space in the company, and much more.

Coming home late in the evening, rest for some hours and take off the next morning again is sure not enough to unwind all the stress. So let’s assume that both parties are moody the moment they are in each others neighborhood.

Here are the 15 ways to eliminate the moody moments:

You remember what I said in the beginning of this story; “The moment she tries to communicate with me, I simply cut her off and finally she get the message not to bother me with all that crap and nonsense!” Here is the answer to the problem of not being able to listen to a family member, instead simply cut off the person and depreciate that party.

Let’s wrap this up and nail some solid points down that might clear the air for both individuals:

1. Don’t try to do many things at once!

2. Prioritize, let them know, and do the essential things first!

3. Don’t take on everything yourself!

4. Learn to say politely “No”

5. Meetings should be to the point and not dragging on!

6. Going home, close the door of your job. Coming home, take your rest for some minutes, sit down, relax, rewind, think about the daily blessings and have a little talk with your partner!

7. Be an open book for your partner and don’t live a secret life created by” the life of fear to fail”

8. Don’t let the job take over your life!

9. Take your days off, take a chair and sit down somewhere you can relax and dream away without any noise around you and being bothered!

10. Force yourself to exercise on a daily base and definitely on the days off!

11. Create a hobby that grabs your attention!

12. Create a mile post of accomplishment with that hobby!

13. Learn to count your blessings in life and do NOT take everything for granted!

14. Do not answer the cell phone on your days off!

15. Fight for your own space in life and do not allow others to influence you and make a different “You” out of “You”

Here you have it, I didn’t leave any ingredient out!


Tips To Solved Relationship Conflict

When we’re in a conflict, we tend to think that the best way to resolve it is to stick with our point of view as strongly as possible. We’ve been taught that one of us is going to win and the other is going to lose, and we don’t want to be the loser. There’s often a feeling that losing means doom and so we fight desperately to keep to our position. Strangely, the reality is that this strategy doesn’t often work, especially if you’re trying to be part of a long-term relationship-be it romantic, business organization, parent-child, friend-to-friend, whatever.

What if there were a way that had a higher percentage of actually resolving problems and conflicts? There is! I learned it a long time ago. It comes from Process Work, developed by Arnold Mindell, Ph.D.-a kind of therapy I specialized in for a long time.

The “Three-Legged Stool” of Conflict Resolution

Think of a conflict as having three basic positions: my position, your position and the “objective observer” position.

In relationship conflict of any sort, your first job is to notice in which position you’re starting. Are you actually advocating for your own position-“My Position” or are you-without knowing it-advocating for the other person’s position-“Your Position” in the figure? How can you tell? Well, let’s say the conflict is between yourself and your partner about whether to buy a new car or a used car. Your partner wants a new car and you think you should save money and buy a used car. Your argument is that you need to save money for the future and for other things and that if you buy a used car, that money will still be there. In that case, you’re already in “My Position.” But if you’re saying, “I know you think buying a new car is better because it will last longer,” you’re in “Your Position,” that is, for the moment, you’re taking your partner’s point of view.Which position are you in now?

Standing for the Position You’re In

Whatever position you find yourself in, take it over as fully as you can. In the example above, “My Position” might be: “It’s important to me that we’re prudent around what we spend and take the long view. To think about our priorities, to think about what’s most important and less important.”

If you find yourself in your partner’s position, “Your Position” above, you can stand for that position: “I know you want to buy a car where you know it doesn’t have hidden problems that might end up costing a lot to repair.”

Helping the Other Person Stand for Their Side

If you find yourself in “My Position,” and you’ve stood for it, then it’s important to help the other person stand for their position, expressing it as fully as possible. You can start by asking the other person to tell you what they’re thinking or feeling. If they get stuck or are afraid they’ll get shot down, you can start them off by taking their position, as above.

Maybe your partner’s “My Position” would be: “I AM thinking about the future and about priorities! If we get a new car, it’ll last longer and we won’t have to spend money on either another car or on repairs. How about if we look into new cars, see how much they cost. And we can also think about what things we need to spend money on and make a budget.” Either you or your partner can express this position.

Anticipating the Other’s Concerns Helps with Relationship Conflict

Your partner can help her or his position by also taking your position and anticipating what your worries might be: “I know you’re worried that I might not be thinking about our future financial situation. That’s why I went through our IRA’s and our projected income for the next 10 years and have figured out what we have left over after regular monthly expenses.”

Switching Positions Helps with Conflict Resolution

With this three-position conflict resolution model (we’ll get to the third position below), you each switch back and forth between “My Position” and “Your Position,” continuing to express each position as fully as possible. You literally step in and speak as if you are your partner, and your partner steps in and speaks as if he/she is you. You each keep alternating between your own position and the other person’s position.

More and more information emerges, until the situation is deeply resolved. It’s important, when taking a position-especially the other person’s position-to really stand in the position and speak ONLY from that position. It can be tempting to be sarcastically in the other person’s position or to pretend to be in it while really coming from “My Position.” If you’re speaking from the other person’s position, really feel into it and, for the moment, speak as if you actually are the other person, or come from a place where you really relate to their position. You can do this by remembering when you’ve been in their position at some point in your life, or imagining being in it.

Objective Observer

The “Objective Observer” position can be really useful, too-for example, when you’re stuck and don’t know how to move further toward conflict resolution. You can each step outside yourselves and, in your imagination, “see” yourselves. Notice what you see and step in and be it. Maybe you notice that the “you” in front of you is feeling hurt and small. Rather than trying to counteract that and be strong, go back into yourself and really show how small and hurt you are, maybe by letting yourself cry or by rolling up into a ball, etc. Actually showing what’s going on can help, because, much of the time, we don’t see or hear each other’s messages if they’re too subtle. When we make ourselves more visible, the other person can react to what’s actually going on instead of what they imagine is going on. This often moves us toward resolution.

Using the Model For Inner Conflicts

This model works with inner conflicts as well as relationship conflict-times when you’re torn about something. First, figure out what the two polarized positions are. Notice which one you’re in right this second. Take that position strongly and deeply. Then literally step out of that position by moving your body over to face the first position. Feel into the other position and speak from it strongly and deeply. Keep going back and forth, trying to listen to each position. If you get stuck, or just need an overview, step into the Objective Observer position and notice what’s going on with each of the other positions. Then step in and-without judgment-do what you saw. This tends to help create solutions.